Step 1: Talk through why you are looking
Before you search, sit down together for twenty minutes without phones. Each of you writes one or two sentences on what you hope counseling will change. Do not argue about the answers; just read them out loud. If the reasons are different, that is useful information for any counselor you choose.
Decide also on the practical limits: how much you can spend each month, which evenings are free, and whether video sessions are acceptable to both of you.
Step 2: Gather a few names
Use the directory to collect three or four counselors who see couples in the Dover area or online. The directory introduces you to independent providers and does not check credentials, so treat each listing as a lead rather than a recommendation. Note each person's stated focus and availability.
If one of you has a strong preference about the counselor's gender, age or background, say so now. Fit matters more than almost anything else in couples work.
Step 3: Look each name up with the state
Delaware's Board of Mental Health and Chemical Dependency Professionals oversees professional counselors, associate counselors, marriage and family therapists and marriage and family associates, as its page cited below describes. The Division of Professional Regulation offers a free online License Look-Up. Search for each name on your list and write down the title that appears.
If a name returns nothing, ask the provider politely how they practice and under what title. Do not skip this step because a website looks polished.
Step 4: Make a short call to each provider
Most counselors will take a brief call before you book. Ask how often they see couples, how they structure the first few sessions, what they charge, and whether they accept your insurance. Ask whether they ever meet with each partner alone and how they keep that fair to both people.
Both partners should be on the call if possible. Afterwards, compare impressions while they are fresh.
Step 5: Know where court mediation fits, if you are separating
If you have already decided to separate and have children, Kent County Family Court may become part of your life. The court's own page notes a ribbon cutting for the new Kent County Family Courthouse at 445 S. Governors Ave. in Dover. Its topics page says Family Court mediation is facilitated by court employees and is generally required in visitation, child support and guardianship matters.
That mediation is a court process. Agreements signed by a Judicial Officer become enforceable Orders of the Court. A counselor is not a substitute for it, and it is not a substitute for counseling. If you need advice about the court side, speak with a lawyer. Keep the two tracks clearly separate when you plan your weeks.
Step 6: Book a first session and agree on ground rules
Once you pick a counselor, schedule the first appointment for a time when neither of you is coming straight from a long shift. Agree in advance on simple ground rules: no bringing up session topics in the car if one person is not ready, and no using what was said in the room as ammunition later.
Bring a list of any questions about scheduling, cancellation or payment so you can settle them early.
Step 7: Review after three or four sessions
After a handful of meetings, check in with each other. Is the counselor fair to both of you? Do you leave with something to try during the week? Are the logistics working with your Dover commute and work hours?
If the answer is mostly yes, keep going. If not, it is fine to tell the counselor and look again using the same steps. Changing counselors is common and does not mean counseling has failed.
Step 8: Keep your own notes
Keep a shared note with session dates, any exercises you were given, and what you each noticed. Short notes help you see change over weeks that can feel slow while you are in them.
It also helps to keep a separate, private note each. Not every thought needs to be shared right away, and a private note lets you decide what to bring into the room. Before each session, glance at both and pick one thing you most want to talk about. That small habit keeps sessions focused, and it makes the most of the hour you have booked with your counselor in Dover or on video.